Author Topic: Funny Stories Thread  (Read 7058 times)

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Offline Grif101

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Funny Stories Thread
« on: February 12, 2012, 08:50:25 PM »
Just post true or fictional funny stories. The more deranged the better!
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Offline Tobbs

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2012, 09:11:03 PM »
This is perfect for a little story of something that happened to me last summer.

I was at my dad's place when we were struck by incredible boredom and decided to take a tour with the car to nowhere specific. So we took the car and drove out and we were soon out of the town and out in the village I grew up in. That place stretched across a huge area since we live so damn far apart out of the towns here. So we just drove around and didn't really pay attention to where. So we got lost. Then we saw a small road that went into the woods and we thought it was an off-road path, so we thought why not, and drove along the path. We kept going down the road which kept getting smaller and smaller until we literally got into someone's back yard.

So we were like "oops" and my dad put in the reverse. Thing is, we came down a pretty steep hill and the car was in two-wheel drive, and we couldn't get up, so we just started burning out on the base of the hill as the pair that lived there, like mother and father, came out and watched us trying to get back up on the road. And we were getting nowhere at first. We just kept burning out, and there were clouds of smoke coming from the tires and the gravel was flying.

We finally got up on the road and drove off. But we took the wrong turn and went on a road that we realized did a loop. So we came back to the house and there on the veranda stood like the whole family just watching us and the father was pointing at the marks from where we had burned out. We just drove past and avoided eye contact and then went back home as soon as we could.

True story.

Keep calm and move along.

Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2012, 08:03:48 AM »
Alright I said I'd finally finish that story about Dr. Tran I started two years ago...

The Doctor awoke back on the Normandy, not knowing temporarily where he was. Then it slowly started coming back to him...the quest...Dr. Chawkwas...SEC and his harem...Grif (that manipulative smug two-timing Grif!)...two years...two years? Had it really been that long since Grif had abandoned them in the Bioshock Universe? But what happened? Where was SEC? Where was Chawkwas? The crew? "Get ahold of yourself fool" muttered The Doctor to himself "It'll come back to you". The Doctor was then distracted by a small noise, barely audible, coming from somewhere in the ventilation...

*squeak*

There! That noise again, a small squeaking noise...but what was it it? The Doctor began looking around nervously...there was something faintly disturbing about that squeak...different...more menacing...

*squeak* *squeak*

"Hello? Who's there!? Show yourself!" yelled out The Doctor, but the squeaks continued...getting closer....closer...and then The Doctor jumped in surprise; it was mini-tran, his pet Space Hamster. "Mini-tran!" exclaimed The Doctor "You nearly gave me a heart attack!". The Doctor sighed with relief but then paused...there was something...different...about mini-tran, and on closer inspection The Doctor saw tiny little tubes going in and out of mini-tran's body. What stuck out the most however was mini-tran's eyes...those beady husk like eyes--

Husk?

Then a dawning realization came over The Doctor "Oh no...no mini-tran...not you...not you!"

Mini-tran was indoctinerated.

"No! Grif! Grif you sadistic bastard! Why mini-tran!? Why!? I swear I'll ban you for thi--!"

*SQUEEEEEEAK!!!!*

"Auuuuuuugh!" yelled The Doctor as Mini-tran launched himself at The Doctor "Aiiiigh! Help! Help! I'm being mauled by a homicidal indoctinerated hamster!" screamed The Doctor as he struggled with his once beloved pet. The Doctor thrashed and swung wildly as mini-tran clung to his neck, then leaped off and rebounded off the hull going for The Doctor's eyes, but fortunately he was fast enough and was able to dodge the attack. However mini-tran wasn't beaten and immediately lunged itself at The Doctor, this time crawling under his clothes and nibbling and scratching everywhere "Nyaaaargh!" cried The Doctor as he desperately started tearing off his clothes in an attempt to shake off mini-tran. Suddenly one of The Doctor's wild puches connected and sent mini-tran flying to the floor. "Gotcha!" yelled The Doctor as he grabbed a nearby socket wrench "Back! Back you sadistic hamster from hell! Back!" yelled The Doctor as he tried fending off mini-tran.

*swiiiish*

The Doctor glanced behind him and saw that the door had opened. He quickly made a break for it running through the ship with mini-tran hot on his heels. Now all he had to do was lose or kill mini-tran...and find out where the crew was...and Dr. Chawkwas.
********

SirEmilCrane stood surrounded by a void, a dark empty void. "Where am I?" wondered SEC as he cautiously made his way forward...stumbling further into the dark; there, a light...a soft pulsing light ahead. SEC eagerly made his forward until he came upon the source of the light...a strange artifact of some kind. "Huh" muttered SEC "How strange...and beautiful", he could hear the artifact calling to him...singing to him. SEC slowly stretched out his hand towards the artifact...the light becoming brighter...

End of Conclusion: Part 1

Note: I plan on making this final chapter to this old story three or four parts. Input is welcome and please feel free to continue posting stories, as completely finishing this will take time. and let me know what you think!

« Last Edit: February 14, 2012, 10:04:26 AM by Grif101 »
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Offline SirEmilCrane

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2012, 08:16:27 AM »
I have a harem?
...scum.

Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2012, 08:23:15 AM »
I have a harem?

Had a harem. Like I said this an old story that I'm finally putting to rest...it's over two years old after all. Besides I got something special planned for you Crane  >:D
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Offline Scarlet-mangekyo

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2012, 09:14:03 AM »
I think this story is hilarious. Well there is actually two stories that occur around the same time...anyway!

I've always felt no need to hold back my thoughts...so I was very outspoken as a kid. So, back in year one or two, I was introduced to nightmare before christmas. It started my fascination with all things Tim Burton. So anyway, everyone was asked to tell the class what they wanted to be when they grew up. Everyone wanted to be a fireman or a policeman or an astronaut and the like, the teacher came to me and asked me. I stood up all proud and said " when I grow up I wanna be the Pumpkin King" I spent the next year going to school with stiches painted on my lips.

So a few years after that, I was still outspoken. It was Christmas time and we were talking about presents and stuff. I went to a public school so we had a few poor kids. So this family of poor kids questioned Santa and asked why they didn't get much. SO! Me being an asshole I said "that's cause Santa hates poor kids"

Anyway those are my stories of my niavety when I was younger.
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Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2012, 08:51:49 AM »
The Doctor had never ran so hard in his life...nor had he run into so many bulkheads before either, which was sooner or later going to give him a concussion. The Doctor ran into the Normandy's engine room, gasping for breath and hoping he had lost mini-tran. He looked around cautiously...straining to hear or perceive any hint of pursuit, but all was silent. Breathing a sigh of relief The Doctor slowly eased himself onto the floor, figuring he had a few minutes to rest and think. Suddenly he sat up, his body rigid, as felt something small and not so cuddly start scurrying madly in his boxers.

"Aaaaaaargh!"

The Doctor screamed as mini-tran went rampent in his boxers, little indoctrinated feet scratching everything it touched. The Doctor then felt mini-tran scurry out of boxers towards his head, before feeling little tubes go directly into his brain...

And then darkness...and unicorns.

The Doctor awoke two minutes later with voices in his head. "Huh, what? What's going on? Who's saying that? I am not ugly!" said The Doctor until a single voice rang out in clarity "I am the vessel for your doom!". "Huh? Mini-tran? What? Why do you want to doom me?" "Through your destruction I shall achieve perfection." The Doctor was confused "But...but you're just a hamster...and my pet".

"Now you have angered me beyond mercy" said mini-tran...and it was then The Doctor started beating himself up...only it wasn't him "Ow! Stop it! Quit making me hurt myself! No, you're doing it! I am not crazy! Gah! Grif!" exclaimed The Doctor as he frantically fought to regain control of his body. Still he felt himself being yanked about like a puppet, with no control of his body, until mini-tran exclaimed "Enough!" and released The Doctor, who was shocked. "And now I will achieve my perfection" said mini-tran, in which he quite suddenly leapt for The Doctor's man-parts, burrowing through the boxers. The Doctor felt an intense pain until he suddenly had a     vision...destruction...genocide...unicorns...until it all made sense! Mini-tran wasn't going to stop with destroying The Doctor...he was going to launch a galactic war of genocide....with unicorns! The Doctor suddenly knew what he had to do, and grabbed the nearest knife...for the good of the galaxy he would...

A) Make the most ultimate sacrifice a man could ever commit
B) Decide the galaxy can go screw itself
C) Have a random encounter

End of Conclusion: Part 2

Yup, I've brought back the "choose your path" style of story-telling...to an extent. Also I know the above isn't my best work by any means...I'm tired, have a fever and such most of my thoughts are rather disjointed...let's hope the next one is better
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Offline Scarlet-mangekyo

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2012, 12:13:41 PM »
Can I pick b and c?
Have you any idea how a raven is like a writing desk?

Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2012, 11:05:26 PM »
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Offline Scarlet-mangekyo

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2012, 11:06:53 PM »
I'll go....b :D cause I always pick the asshole options
Have you any idea how a raven is like a writing desk?

Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2012, 11:11:04 PM »
I'll go....b :D cause I always pick the asshole options

Alright then...that's one vote for galactic destruction...now let's see where other votes go...
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Offline Tobbs

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2012, 11:13:15 PM »
I vote C. I love random encounters.

Keep calm and move along.

Offline LordNecross

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2012, 12:12:27 AM »
C. Go for it.

Offline mikethor007

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2012, 02:30:44 AM »
C.
"A toaster is just a death ray with a smaller power supply!"
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Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2012, 02:35:17 AM »
Alright then C it is.

Glad to know you all still love our admin enough not to choose A :P

I'll get cracking on the story...soon
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Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2012, 06:12:57 AM »
The Doctor raised the blade...preparing to strike, when he heard something. Looking up suddenly, he saw them charging towards him, slaughter in their eyes...

"Wombats!!!!"

They lunged at him, screaming in victory with glory in their hearts; "Aaaarrrgh!" cried The Doctor as they began attacking, "Auuugh! Help! Wombats! Wombats everywhere!!" he cried, struggling as stumbled, fell, crashed and wrestled his way through engineering, the wombats ravaging him mercilessly.
*********

Tali'Zorah walked into engineering only to witness the rather one-sided battle between The Doctor and the wombats (plus mini-tran).

"Keelah!" exclaimed Tali "What is goi--waaaaaugh!" she cried as she flew through the window into the shuttle bay...mysteriously. Shephard kneeled where Tali lay, screaming "Nooooooo!!" before they were sucked out into space...mysteriously.

*********

The Doctor was still being ravaged when Spectre Killer Rin emerged on the scene of the crime "What have we here?" he mused "Rin! Over here! Help! Wombats!"; Spectre Rin began searching for clues, to ascertain what had transpired in engineering "Help! Oh please help! Blaaagh!". Spectre Rin first began searching the engine room, as the wombats continued ravaging The Doctor in the background, making his way slowly through the room and back...beginning to build a picture of what happened "Wombats...too...viscious...why...won't you...turn around!? What? Arrrgh! What are doing to my face!". Spectre Rin turned around after he thought he heard a noise, before seeing the violent one-sided scuffle "Oh my gosh! Those wombats are mauling our poor innocent Doctor! I'll save you!" cried Spectre Rin as he charged into the melee unleashing his fully charged biotics "What? No, wait! Aaiiiigh!" cried The Doctor as he flew backwards from the blast, bouncing off the hull and crashing into the elevator "Go Doctor! I'll cover you!" cried Spectre Rin as he charged again at the wombats.

The Doctor awoke on the crew deck, groggy and very very sore "Ungh...what on earth did I do to Grif to deserve this?" he muttered, before looking up to see SirEmilCrane floating before him "Crane! It's y--"

"I AM THE VANGUARD OF AUSTRALIA'S DESTRUCTION!"

"Um...okay?"

"I WILL BE THE GENESIS OF NEW ZEALANDS PERFECTION!"

"Huh? What are y--?"

"THROUGH THE ARTIFACT I HAVE SEEN MY DESTINY! I W---"

"Why are glowi--?"

"SILENCE MORTAL!"

"I hate you!" snapped The Doctor

"WHAT."

"Grif has always given you special treatment! Like that harem! How come I didn't get a harem!? And you also threw out my milk that time!"

"THAT MILK WAS EXPIRED!"

"Your face is expired!"

"HOW DARE YOU! I WILL RENDER YOU INTO BI--"

Suddenly an English voice called out, laced with sarcasm "I hate to interrupt your little reunion..."

They both turned around. It was Dr. Chawkwas.

A) Have Reaper-Crane and The Doctor team up
B) Have Reaper-Crane and The Doctor go their seperate ways
C) Punish the writer severely for the Tali scene

End of Conclusion: Part 3



Hope you enjoy!
« Last Edit: February 17, 2012, 06:18:13 AM by Grif101 »
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Offline killer rin

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2012, 06:47:59 AM »
The Doctor raised the blade...preparing to strike, when he heard something. Looking up suddenly, he saw them charging towards him, slaughter in their eyes...

"Wombats!!!!"

They lunged at him, screaming in victory with glory in their hearts; "Aaaarrrgh!" cried The Doctor as they began attacking, "Auuugh! Help! Wombats! Wombats everywhere!!" he cried, struggling as stumbled, fell, crashed and wrestled his way through engineering, the wombats ravaging him mercilessly.
*********

Tali'Zorah walked into engineering only to witness the rather one-sided battle between The Doctor and the wombats (plus mini-tran).

"Keelah!" exclaimed Tali "What is goi--waaaaaugh!" she cried as she flew through the window into the shuttle bay...mysteriously. Shephard kneeled where Tali lay, screaming "Nooooooo!!" before they were sucked out into space...mysteriously.

*********

The Doctor was still being ravaged when Spectre Killer Rin emerged on the scene of the crime "What have we here?" he mused "Rin! Over here! Help! Wombats!"; Spectre Rin began searching for clues, to ascertain what had transpired in engineering "Help! Oh please help! Blaaagh!". Spectre Rin first began searching the engine room, as the wombats continued ravaging The Doctor in the background, making his way slowly through the room and back...beginning to build a picture of what happened "Wombats...too...viscious...why...won't you...turn around!? What? Arrrgh! What are doing to my face!". Spectre Rin turned around after he thought he heard a noise, before seeing the violent one-sided scuffle "Oh my gosh! Those wombats are mauling our poor innocent Doctor! I'll save you!" cried Spectre Rin as he charged into the melee unleashing his fully charged biotics "What? No, wait! Aaiiiigh!" cried The Doctor as he flew backwards from the blast, bouncing off the hull and crashing into the elevator "Go Doctor! I'll cover you!" cried Spectre Rin as he charged again at the wombats.

The Doctor awoke on the crew deck, groggy and very very sore "Ungh...what on earth did I do to Grif to deserve this?" he muttered, before looking up to see SirEmilCrane floating before him "Crane! It's y--"

"I AM THE VANGUARD OF AUSTRALIA'S DESTRUCTION!"

"Um...okay?"

"I WILL BE THE GENESIS OF NEW ZEALANDS PERFECTION!"

"Huh? What are y--?"

"THROUGH THE ARTIFACT I HAVE SEEN MY DESTINY! I W---"

"Why are glowi--?"

"SILENCE MORTAL!"

"I hate you!" snapped The Doctor

"WHAT."

"Grif has always given you special treatment! Like that harem! How come I didn't get a harem!? And you also threw out my milk that time!"

"THAT MILK WAS EXPIRED!"

"Your face is expired!"

"HOW DARE YOU! I WILL RENDER YOU INTO BI--"

Suddenly an English voice called out, laced with sarcasm "I hate to interrupt your little reunion..."

They both turned around. It was Dr. Chawkwas.

A) Have Reaper-Crane and The Doctor team up
B) Have Reaper-Crane and The Doctor go their seperate ways
C) Punish the writer severely for the Tali scene

End of Conclusion: Part 3



Hope you enjoy!
:D ^-^

Offline Scarlet-mangekyo

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2012, 12:57:47 PM »
C
Have you any idea how a raven is like a writing desk?

Offline Tobbs

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2012, 01:21:12 PM »
What is up with you and wombats?

C.

Keep calm and move along.

Offline mikethor007

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2012, 02:36:38 PM »
C. >:D
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Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2012, 07:19:03 PM »
Intriguing...it is apparent you all still hold a strong attatchment to Tali...

Fortunately for me option C was a dead end :P

Now choose between A or B

What is up with you and wombats?

C.

They're...you know...wombats...I mean come on...wombats...
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Offline Tobbs

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #21 on: February 17, 2012, 07:21:42 PM »
A

Keep calm and move along.

Offline LordNecross

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #22 on: February 17, 2012, 07:36:49 PM »
A.

Also, not me, no real attachment to Tali anymore, still like her as a character, but this thing called life made me no longer obsessive.

Offline mikethor007

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2012, 07:42:41 PM »
A. For teh lulz.
"A toaster is just a death ray with a smaller power supply!"
Toaster

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Offline Grif101

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Re: Funny Stories Thread
« Reply #24 on: February 17, 2012, 07:51:39 PM »
A.

Also, not me, no real attachment to Tali anymore, still like her as a character, but this thing called life made me no longer obsessive.

You and me both...



Anyways, looks like the majority vote is A, so I'll get working on the conclusion eventually
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